Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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