WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
