So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
