he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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