i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
