I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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