my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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