I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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