Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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