I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Randomize
