im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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