do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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