she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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