I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
