My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
