her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
