dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
