My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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