my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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