How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize