Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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