i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
