I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
