yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
