I will die if light touches me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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