I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
