I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
