My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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