If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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