no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
