Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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