Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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