Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
