giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
