My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
