he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
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