He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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