do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
