I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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