My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
