i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
