I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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