ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
