I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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