Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
