I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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