He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
