2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
