good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
