he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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