this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
