i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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