remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
